september was tough; so was the beginning of october. the last gasps of summer brought about all kinds of stress for me, both personal and political. the kavanaugh nomination hearing really fucked me up, to be honest. in the midst of my own stresses about my day job and dealing with a relatively new rheumatoid arthritis/fibromyalgia diagnosis, the dam inside burst and i found myself drowning in grief and anger – for myself and for women everywhere. i found myself crying at my desk, crying when i arrived home from work, raging and ready for a fight, and leaning on my partner to get me through this mess. my physical pain became intertwined with the pain of remembering my own sexual assaults and deeply feeling the collective anger of so many survivors who have been retraumatized while we watched the kavanaugh debacle unfold. his confirmation and swearing in only served to prove the point: women remain quiet about their assaults in part because we are ignored and tossed aside when we do come forward.
it is tiring to be so angry. i am tired.
i wanted to write here all month. i wanted to get to work and rebuild by creating, but i just lacked the energy. i still have a review to write and post; hopefully the folx at peepshow won’t put me on the “do not send sex toys for review” list. it hasn’t been lack of inspiration, though, which is a nice change of pace. i’m hoping to get more content up on the blog in the coming weeks.
in the last couple of months, i did some side gig work and that was pretty enjoyable, mostly because i enjoy helping others and gain satisfaction from even simple tasks. (the extra money was helpful, too!) i hung out with a couple of friends, but mostly i’ve been coccooning away, trying to recharge, which seems like an endless and monumental job. i’m hopeful, though, that slowly i’ll be able to learn to manage my chronic illness better than i have been and will be more invested in the self-care type of things that i seem to view as luxuries, but which, at this point, are going to help me survive and thrive.
so… i just wanted to let you all know that i’m still here and there will be content coming. i appreciate all of you who keep reading my work, RTing my tweets, and following me on twitter. i’m so blessed to be a part of the community.
hopefully the rest of the month will be pleasantly quiet and productive.