chronically kinky, chronically ill

chronically kinky, chronically ill

Photo of a glass of pills that have spilled onto the table with the words "chronically kinky, chronically ill" overlaid

i’ve been living with significant body aches and fatigue for years now. it took me until this past summer to finally speak to my doctor about how i’d been feeling. my theory is that i’d been living with pain for so long that i didn’t even think to tell any of my doctors about it. i had learned to muddle through and assumed this was just how you feel when you’re hitting middle age and when you could be in better shape. i didn’t really know much about chronic illness.

after some bloodwork, x-rays, and a physical, the rheumatologist to whom i had been referred by my awesome, compassionate internist diagnosed me with an autoimmune disease. i’ve been working with her since and i’ve been making some progress towards remission.

while it was a relief to get a diagnosis, the last few months have been difficult trying to make some serious lifestyle adjustments. i’m someone who will –go go go– until i drop right into bed for an entire weekend of slow recovery. i’d been fighting myself for years, trying to push an exhausted body and mind harder and harder.

but that’s something i can’t do now. i have to measure out my time and energy and prioritize. i have to cut corners where i can, get someone to help me, not push too hard on days when i do feel strong and relatively pain-free. i’ve had to learn to give myself injections, to get more sleep, to drink way more water, and to say “no” when i know i’ve reached my limit. i’m still trying to learn what those limits are and how to pay attention when my body says “slow down.” it’s difficult; i’m a perfectionist and i’m stubborn.

all of that said, i’ve still enjoyed a really healthy sex life in the last couple of years with a partner who understands my body sometimes better than i do. for good overall health, regular sex and impact play has helped keep me flexible and smiling.

it seems a little counterintuitive for some people. why would you inflict pain to relieve pain, they ask. as kirsten schultz of chronicsex.org wrote in her 2017 post flogging ended my year-long fibro flare,

I mentioned it to my rheumatologist at our latest appointment and she was ecstatic. When I told her how, she was really intrigued. We believe that, somehow, the BDSM play helped to rejigger the pain messages my body was sending. Researchers believe that mixed up pain signals are what fibro essentially is, after all.

https://www.chronicsex.org/2017/09/bdsm-ended-fibro-flare/

unfortunately, i don’t quite have that relationship with my rheumatologist, but i can say with confidence that impact play has often “rejiggered” my entire being, loosening up muscles and strengthening fascia and lengthening my spine. my hips, accustomed to the tightness brought on by a sedentary job in a crappy chair, start to sway a little more, making circles and slow U-shapes. i can feel a pop and a snap here and there as tension releases. sometimes i cry from deep in my belly, heaving sobs escaping my throat and tears falling onto Daddy’s bare feet.

with every swing of the padded baton, i feel lighter. my mind is focused on the pain of the paddle hitting my pink flesh. my desire is to please and to release. my release gives Daddy pleasure, too, as he knows the week has been so long and i’ve pushed so hard. he knows our friday ritual is important to me and to my physical well-being.

he is a very important member of my treatment team, needless to say.

i’m trying to view sex and kink as part of my wellness plan, quite honestly. when i’m depressed or in pain, i tend to avoid people and prefer to be left alone to recover and heal. but what’s actually more useful to me as a long-term coping skill is reaching out rather than isolating myself. asking my partner to paddle and cane me, to redirect my attention from the pain in my lower back to the stripes he’s putting on my ass, is so effective for me when i remember to ask for it or when i’m lucky enough that Daddy notices and initiates.

just as i view cannabis as medicine, similarly i view impact play (and bdsm more broadly) as medicine for my body and spirit. there’s not a painkiller as effective as my Daddy’s hand lovingly squeezing my flaring arm. 😉

weekly link-love: cleaning out the bookmarks edition

weekly link-love: cleaning out the bookmarks edition

from hotemoji.com

hello readers! it’s been a couple of weeks since i’ve done a link-love, but i’m finally back and this time i’m doing a cleaning-out-my-bookmarks session. here are a bunch of links i loved from the last couple of months.

toys and fun things to buy for yourself:

review: liberator wedge – get down on it – i was curious what other wedge owner’s thought about this lovely piece and, lo and behold, this link popped into my twitter feed. i highly recommend purchasing a liberator wedge in any case, since it can really give you a really nice boost you need, but i would say it’s a must in your collection if you have back or knee issues like me. read this review and go get yourself one!

review: the mysteryvibe crescendo – one of my favorite people wrote this great review. i’m happy to have helped as Productivity Domme. *giggle*

sexy misc:

the 5 best sex positions to send her to g-spot heaven – i’m not usually a fan of these lists, but this one actually has a couple of interesting positions i want to try. the butterfly, in particular, looks good to me if  Daddy and i can make it work. it might be good for me when i’m having a flare up OR keeping things going when we need a break from the reaaaallly hard thrusting and grinding. 😉 i will report back!

50 shades of purple: stunning paintings of roller derby butts and their bruises! – i love bruises so much! i don’t know why. but these paintings are gorgeous and so are those bruises, some of which look like planets and nebulas. love it!

relationships, communication, etc.

making an ass out of u and me – i love this piece from april 2018 about long-term relationships, negotiation, and communication. even though this is about negotiating scenes/play ahead of time, i think there’s a lot here for partners even outside the bedroom. “use your words” is my current mantra.

being owned – i love the way eye describes her emotional baggage: “In my winters I am bare and raw, so raw I fear I will be frosted to the bone and yet, spring greening always comes again, well, so far it has.” this is an all-too-brief, but beautiful bit of writing about the cognitive dissonance of feminism and D/s dynamics, a topic i’d like to explore more myself.

wanking in a relationship – i’ve thought a lot about this. i’ve had partners with varying degrees of weirdness about masturbation in relationships – whether it’s been their own reluctance to masturbate in front of me or their own issues with either of us masturbating on our own and what they think that says about the state of our union. this article from the author’s archives made me think in a more empathetic way about why we might have these less-than-ideal notions about the topic.

sex work

your mother is a whore – i’ve never read tits and sass, “service journalism by and for sex workers,” but what a great site it is! this piece is about sex workers talking to their children about the work they do and about sex more generally. fascinating.

‘not a workplace:’ julie bindel and the school of wrong abolitionism – there’s so much to unpack from this article and i need to give it another read, but i recommend.

enjoy, dear readers! 💗