things i learned on my summer vacation

things i learned on my summer vacation

photo by me.

okay, i lied. i didn’t actually take a summer vacation, unless you count a trip down south for work. but i DID learn a lot this summer – about myself, about the importance of being present in community, and about how i work and what i want to do in the coming months.

when i started this blog, i thought it would be fun to write about sex and relationships and maybe get some free sex toys to review in the process. i love to write. i love talking about sex. why not? it would give me a creative outlet and maybe i’d learn some things along the way.

all of those things happened… and more. 

things i learned about myself this summer:

i’m letting my imagination run wild for the first time in my life and it feels really good.

when i decide to do something, i go all in. 

i’m not lazy like i used to think i was.

my body is strong(er) and more flexible than i usually think.

i’m desirable.

impact play is my JAM.

i’m not half bad at gardening.

i have a good head for business… and give great head, too. 😏

i enjoy helping others reach their goals, specifically other writers and sex educators.

i am driven more than ever to create more financial and emotional security in my life.

often, all you have to do is ask. the worst anyone will say is “no.”

things i learned about community, specially the sex blogging online world:

i’m enjoy co-creating.

it’s important to conserve my emotional energy during times of upheaval.

i’m pretty good at networking. see also: asking.

we can do just about anything we imagine and we can do it together and get results.

i’m not much of a follower or joiner, but i like being in community with other like-minded folx.

save your drafts in word or google docs before putting ’em in WP!

things i learned about my career path:

what i wanted to do before is not what i want to do now.

i don’t enjoy working for people; i enjoy working with people.

i enjoy being my own boss and collaborating on something that benefits a lot of other folx.

i’m capable of learning new skills quickly.

my writing is meaningful to some people and to me.

once i get my new business really going, i never want to work in an office again.

my efforts are effective and seen and appreciated.

i have skills people want.

i want to do some form of sex work next year. thinking of sextpanther!

i want to create things that help and educate and entertain – whether as a behind the scenes helper or the star of the show.

tomorrow it’s supposed to be 60ish degrees and i am so happy to welcome autumn! it was a good summer, but bring on the sweaters and under-the-blankets sex!

the power of subspace, part II: sex on substances

the power of subspace, part II: sex on substances

I stand in the kitchen, taking my coat off after my arrival home from work. Daddy approaches smiling and carefully wraps his long thin fingers around my throat. I let out a big sigh and my shoulders drop as i relax into his hold.

he gently tongues my ear and whispers, “welcome home, kitten.” i melt a second time.

i’m drifting into subspace, a little wobbly on my feet. i kneel and Daddy offers me a carefully rolled joint.

i’m ready to get lost… twice over.

after i published “the power of subspace, part I,” a good friend suggested i might run into some folx who would take issue with the use of substances during kinky play. their experience has been that more formally organized kink groups adhere to RACK and/or SSC principles and ban the use of substances at parties and events. they don’t generally advocate the use of drugs while taking part in kink anywhere; there are definite consent and safety concerns to be had.

up front: i’ve never been involved in any local kink group, nor have i gone to a munch or a con. i’ve only played publicly once and i was completely sober. i don’t have any experience with dungeons or somewhere with lots of people playing at once. historically, all of my play has occurred in private homes with one or two partners i knew and trusted. or if i played with more, it was mostly private, non-sexual, and sober.

so basically, i’ve never had to do on-the-spot negotiations in this setting. i can completely understand why banning the use of drugs is common practice. even though at this point, i’m a seasoned toker, i would probably be reluctant to participate in public play while high.

to some, it might seem redundant. i mean, isn’t the lure of delicious subspace enough?

yes and no.

stoned subspace

i enjoy the feeling of getting stoned and being put into subspace. it’s not a necessity or a fetish; i can get high or go into subspace independently. but they are really, really nice together. i often find that i can truly let go when i’m stoned. it can be difficult for me to physically relax without a LOT of foreplay and even then, i tend to get trapped in my head, thinking about unrelated things or worried about my performance.

but even if i’m relaxed, i still feel i have control over my body and the ability to give enthusiastic consent. as drugs go, alcohol is the one that makes me less likely to think something through and more likely to take risks that aren’t particularly healthy. weed makes me agreeable and submissive, but i’m still aware enough to know what’s happening and to be able to spot when i don’t feel emotionally safe.

that said, it’s not the case for everyone. i’d never compel someone to use a substance to have sex or engage in D/s play. i’d never shame people who prefer to have sober sex. everyone is different and that is perfectly good.

i just happen to like them together. they feel like part of my own burgeoning spirituality and an integral part of my sexual and romantic relationship with my partner.

it’s a matter of trust

i couldn’t do this with a stranger. i couldn’t be this vulnerable and in two altered states with just anyone. i view marijuana as part of my own spiritual practice, although i have yet to fully articulate what it means to me. (i’m going to start privately journaling about this soon. i think it’s useful. i recommend cannabis feminist and merry jane if you’re on a similar search.)

i see d/s as part of it as well. it’s something i love to share with my daddy and it tends to make our connection even stronger, whether we’re simply sitting around, laughing at some silly thing on youtube or he’s spanking me and making me beg for it. we both become less inhibited by our fears of abandonment; we can let our guards down.

i implicitly trust my partner. and that’s a big part of why pot and play are so hot!

hard limit

all of this said, i can’t see myself doing harder drugs for any purpose, but especially during sex. i’m good with this particular one!

here are some other cool links of interest on the topic:

17 tips for having sex stoned (bustle)

how do cannabis and and seduction work together? (leafly)

talking sex work & cannabis with mistress matisse (medium)

dexx interviews ashley manta, cannasexual


daddy takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom, where he puts me on my knees.

i look up at him and coo, “you make me so high.”