chronically kinky, chronically ill

chronically kinky, chronically ill

Photo of a glass of pills that have spilled onto the table with the words "chronically kinky, chronically ill" overlaid

i’ve been living with significant body aches and fatigue for years now. it took me until this past summer to finally speak to my doctor about how i’d been feeling. my theory is that i’d been living with pain for so long that i didn’t even think to tell any of my doctors about it. i had learned to muddle through and assumed this was just how you feel when you’re hitting middle age and when you could be in better shape. i didn’t really know much about chronic illness.

after some bloodwork, x-rays, and a physical, the rheumatologist to whom i had been referred by my awesome, compassionate internist diagnosed me with an autoimmune disease. i’ve been working with her since and i’ve been making some progress towards remission.

while it was a relief to get a diagnosis, the last few months have been difficult trying to make some serious lifestyle adjustments. i’m someone who will –go go go– until i drop right into bed for an entire weekend of slow recovery. i’d been fighting myself for years, trying to push an exhausted body and mind harder and harder.

but that’s something i can’t do now. i have to measure out my time and energy and prioritize. i have to cut corners where i can, get someone to help me, not push too hard on days when i do feel strong and relatively pain-free. i’ve had to learn to give myself injections, to get more sleep, to drink way more water, and to say “no” when i know i’ve reached my limit. i’m still trying to learn what those limits are and how to pay attention when my body says “slow down.” it’s difficult; i’m a perfectionist and i’m stubborn.

all of that said, i’ve still enjoyed a really healthy sex life in the last couple of years with a partner who understands my body sometimes better than i do. for good overall health, regular sex and impact play has helped keep me flexible and smiling.

it seems a little counterintuitive for some people. why would you inflict pain to relieve pain, they ask. as kirsten schultz of wrote in her 2017 post flogging ended my year-long fibro flare,

I mentioned it to my rheumatologist at our latest appointment and she was ecstatic. When I told her how, she was really intrigued. We believe that, somehow, the BDSM play helped to rejigger the pain messages my body was sending. Researchers believe that mixed up pain signals are what fibro essentially is, after all.

unfortunately, i don’t quite have that relationship with my rheumatologist, but i can say with confidence that impact play has often “rejiggered” my entire being, loosening up muscles and strengthening fascia and lengthening my spine. my hips, accustomed to the tightness brought on by a sedentary job in a crappy chair, start to sway a little more, making circles and slow U-shapes. i can feel a pop and a snap here and there as tension releases. sometimes i cry from deep in my belly, heaving sobs escaping my throat and tears falling onto Daddy’s bare feet.

with every swing of the padded baton, i feel lighter. my mind is focused on the pain of the paddle hitting my pink flesh. my desire is to please and to release. my release gives Daddy pleasure, too, as he knows the week has been so long and i’ve pushed so hard. he knows our friday ritual is important to me and to my physical well-being.

he is a very important member of my treatment team, needless to say.

i’m trying to view sex and kink as part of my wellness plan, quite honestly. when i’m depressed or in pain, i tend to avoid people and prefer to be left alone to recover and heal. but what’s actually more useful to me as a long-term coping skill is reaching out rather than isolating myself. asking my partner to paddle and cane me, to redirect my attention from the pain in my lower back to the stripes he’s putting on my ass, is so effective for me when i remember to ask for it or when i’m lucky enough that Daddy notices and initiates.

just as i view cannabis as medicine, similarly i view impact play (and bdsm more broadly) as medicine for my body and spirit. there’s not a painkiller as effective as my Daddy’s hand lovingly squeezing my flaring arm. 😉

things i learned on my summer vacation

things i learned on my summer vacation

photo by me.

okay, i lied. i didn’t actually take a summer vacation, unless you count a trip down south for work. but i DID learn a lot this summer – about myself, about the importance of being present in community, and about how i work and what i want to do in the coming months.

when i started this blog, i thought it would be fun to write about sex and relationships and maybe get some free sex toys to review in the process. i love to write. i love talking about sex. why not? it would give me a creative outlet and maybe i’d learn some things along the way.

all of those things happened… and more. 

things i learned about myself this summer:

i’m letting my imagination run wild for the first time in my life and it feels really good.

when i decide to do something, i go all in. 

i’m not lazy like i used to think i was.

my body is strong(er) and more flexible than i usually think.

i’m desirable.

impact play is my JAM.

i’m not half bad at gardening.

i have a good head for business… and give great head, too. 😏

i enjoy helping others reach their goals, specifically other writers and sex educators.

i am driven more than ever to create more financial and emotional security in my life.

often, all you have to do is ask. the worst anyone will say is “no.”

things i learned about community, specially the sex blogging online world:

i’m enjoy co-creating.

it’s important to conserve my emotional energy during times of upheaval.

i’m pretty good at networking. see also: asking.

we can do just about anything we imagine and we can do it together and get results.

i’m not much of a follower or joiner, but i like being in community with other like-minded folx.

save your drafts in word or google docs before putting ’em in WP!

things i learned about my career path:

what i wanted to do before is not what i want to do now.

i don’t enjoy working for people; i enjoy working with people.

i enjoy being my own boss and collaborating on something that benefits a lot of other folx.

i’m capable of learning new skills quickly.

my writing is meaningful to some people and to me.

once i get my new business really going, i never want to work in an office again.

my efforts are effective and seen and appreciated.

i have skills people want.

i want to do some form of sex work next year. thinking of sextpanther!

i want to create things that help and educate and entertain – whether as a behind the scenes helper or the star of the show.

tomorrow it’s supposed to be 60ish degrees and i am so happy to welcome autumn! it was a good summer, but bring on the sweaters and under-the-blankets sex!