the power of subspace, part II: sex on substances

the power of subspace, part II: sex on substances

I stand in the kitchen, taking my coat off after my arrival home from work. Daddy approaches smiling and carefully wraps his long thin fingers around my throat. I let out a big sigh and my shoulders drop as i relax into his hold.

he gently tongues my ear and whispers, “welcome home, kitten.” i melt a second time.

i’m drifting into subspace, a little wobbly on my feet. i kneel and Daddy offers me a carefully rolled joint.

i’m ready to get lost… twice over.

after i published “the power of subspace, part I,” a good friend suggested i might run into some folx who would take issue with the use of substances during kinky play. their experience has been that more formally organized kink groups adhere to RACK and/or SSC principles and ban the use of substances at parties and events. they don’t generally advocate the use of drugs while taking part in kink anywhere; there are definite consent and safety concerns to be had.

up front: i’ve never been involved in any local kink group, nor have i gone to a munch or a con. i’ve only played publicly once and i was completely sober. i don’t have any experience with dungeons or somewhere with lots of people playing at once. historically, all of my play has occurred in private homes with one or two partners i knew and trusted. or if i played with more, it was mostly private, non-sexual, and sober.

so basically, i’ve never had to do on-the-spot negotiations in this setting. i can completely understand why banning the use of drugs is common practice. even though at this point, i’m a seasoned toker, i would probably be reluctant to participate in public play while high.

to some, it might seem redundant. i mean, isn’t the lure of delicious subspace enough?

yes and no.

stoned subspace

i enjoy the feeling of getting stoned and being put into subspace. it’s not a necessity or a fetish; i can get high or go into subspace independently. but they are really, really nice together. i often find that i can truly let go when i’m stoned. it can be difficult for me to physically relax without a LOT of foreplay and even then, i tend to get trapped in my head, thinking about unrelated things or worried about my performance.

but even if i’m relaxed, i still feel i have control over my body and the ability to give enthusiastic consent. as drugs go, alcohol is the one that makes me less likely to think something through and more likely to take risks that aren’t particularly healthy. weed makes me agreeable and submissive, but i’m still aware enough to know what’s happening and to be able to spot when i don’t feel emotionally safe.

that said, it’s not the case for everyone. i’d never compel someone to use a substance to have sex or engage in D/s play. i’d never shame people who prefer to have sober sex. everyone is different and that is perfectly good.

i just happen to like them together. they feel like part of my own burgeoning spirituality and an integral part of my sexual and romantic relationship with my partner.

it’s a matter of trust

i couldn’t do this with a stranger. i couldn’t be this vulnerable and in two altered states with just anyone. i view marijuana as part of my own spiritual practice, although i have yet to fully articulate what it means to me. (i’m going to start privately journaling about this soon. i think it’s useful. i recommend cannabis feminist and merry jane if you’re on a similar search.)

i see d/s as part of it as well. it’s something i love to share with my daddy and it tends to make our connection even stronger, whether we’re simply sitting around, laughing at some silly thing on youtube or he’s spanking me and making me beg for it. we both become less inhibited by our fears of abandonment; we can let our guards down.

i implicitly trust my partner. and that’s a big part of why pot and play are so hot!

hard limit

all of this said, i can’t see myself doing harder drugs for any purpose, but especially during sex. i’m good with this particular one!

here are some other cool links of interest on the topic:

17 tips for having sex stoned (bustle)

how do cannabis and and seduction work together? (leafly)

talking sex work & cannabis with mistress matisse (medium)

dexx interviews ashley manta, cannasexual


daddy takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom, where he puts me on my knees.

i look up at him and coo, “you make me so high.”

weekly link-love: cleaning out the bookmarks edition

weekly link-love: cleaning out the bookmarks edition


hello readers! it’s been a couple of weeks since i’ve done a link-love, but i’m finally back and this time i’m doing a cleaning-out-my-bookmarks session. here are a bunch of links i loved from the last couple of months.

toys and fun things to buy for yourself:

review: liberator wedge – get down on it – i was curious what other wedge owner’s thought about this lovely piece and, lo and behold, this link popped into my twitter feed. i highly recommend purchasing a liberator wedge in any case, since it can really give you a really nice boost you need, but i would say it’s a must in your collection if you have back or knee issues like me. read this review and go get yourself one!

review: the mysteryvibe crescendo – one of my favorite people wrote this great review. i’m happy to have helped as Productivity Domme. *giggle*

sexy misc:

the 5 best sex positions to send her to g-spot heaven – i’m not usually a fan of these lists, but this one actually has a couple of interesting positions i want to try. the butterfly, in particular, looks good to me if  Daddy and i can make it work. it might be good for me when i’m having a flare up OR keeping things going when we need a break from the reaaaallly hard thrusting and grinding. 😉 i will report back!

50 shades of purple: stunning paintings of roller derby butts and their bruises! – i love bruises so much! i don’t know why. but these paintings are gorgeous and so are those bruises, some of which look like planets and nebulas. love it!

relationships, communication, etc.

making an ass out of u and me – i love this piece from april 2018 about long-term relationships, negotiation, and communication. even though this is about negotiating scenes/play ahead of time, i think there’s a lot here for partners even outside the bedroom. “use your words” is my current mantra.

being owned – i love the way eye describes her emotional baggage: “In my winters I am bare and raw, so raw I fear I will be frosted to the bone and yet, spring greening always comes again, well, so far it has.” this is an all-too-brief, but beautiful bit of writing about the cognitive dissonance of feminism and D/s dynamics, a topic i’d like to explore more myself.

wanking in a relationship – i’ve thought a lot about this. i’ve had partners with varying degrees of weirdness about masturbation in relationships – whether it’s been their own reluctance to masturbate in front of me or their own issues with either of us masturbating on our own and what they think that says about the state of our union. this article from the author’s archives made me think in a more empathetic way about why we might have these less-than-ideal notions about the topic.

sex work

your mother is a whore – i’ve never read tits and sass, “service journalism by and for sex workers,” but what a great site it is! this piece is about sex workers talking to their children about the work they do and about sex more generally. fascinating.

‘not a workplace:’ julie bindel and the school of wrong abolitionism – there’s so much to unpack from this article and i need to give it another read, but i recommend.

enjoy, dear readers! 💗