chronically kinky, chronically ill

chronically kinky, chronically ill

Photo of a glass of pills that have spilled onto the table with the words "chronically kinky, chronically ill" overlaid

i’ve been living with significant body aches and fatigue for years now. it took me until this past summer to finally speak to my doctor about how i’d been feeling. my theory is that i’d been living with pain for so long that i didn’t even think to tell any of my doctors about it. i had learned to muddle through and assumed this was just how you feel when you’re hitting middle age and when you could be in better shape. i didn’t really know much about chronic illness.

after some bloodwork, x-rays, and a physical, the rheumatologist to whom i had been referred by my awesome, compassionate internist diagnosed me with an autoimmune disease. i’ve been working with her since and i’ve been making some progress towards remission.

while it was a relief to get a diagnosis, the last few months have been difficult trying to make some serious lifestyle adjustments. i’m someone who will –go go go– until i drop right into bed for an entire weekend of slow recovery. i’d been fighting myself for years, trying to push an exhausted body and mind harder and harder.

but that’s something i can’t do now. i have to measure out my time and energy and prioritize. i have to cut corners where i can, get someone to help me, not push too hard on days when i do feel strong and relatively pain-free. i’ve had to learn to give myself injections, to get more sleep, to drink way more water, and to say “no” when i know i’ve¬†reached my limit. i’m still trying to learn what those limits are and how to pay attention when my body says “slow down.” it’s difficult; i’m a perfectionist and i’m stubborn.

all of that said, i’ve still enjoyed a really healthy sex life in the last couple of years with a partner who understands my body sometimes better than i do. for good overall health, regular sex and impact play has helped keep me flexible and smiling.

it seems a little counterintuitive for some people. why would you inflict pain to relieve pain, they ask. as kirsten schultz of chronicsex.org wrote in her 2017 post flogging ended my year-long fibro flare,

I mentioned it to my rheumatologist at our latest appointment and she was ecstatic. When I told her how, she was really intrigued. We believe that, somehow, the BDSM play helped to rejigger the pain messages my body was sending. Researchers believe that mixed up pain signals are what fibro essentially is, after all.

https://www.chronicsex.org/2017/09/bdsm-ended-fibro-flare/

unfortunately, i don’t quite have that relationship with my rheumatologist, but i can say with confidence that impact play has often “rejiggered” my entire being, loosening up muscles and strengthening fascia and lengthening my spine. my hips, accustomed to the tightness brought on by a sedentary job in a crappy chair, start to sway a little more, making circles and slow U-shapes. i can feel a pop and a snap here and there as tension releases. sometimes i cry from deep in my belly, heaving sobs escaping my throat and tears falling onto Daddy’s bare feet.

with every swing of the padded baton, i feel lighter. my mind is focused on the pain of the paddle hitting my pink flesh. my desire is to please and to release. my release gives Daddy pleasure, too, as he knows the week has been so long and i’ve pushed so hard. he knows our friday ritual is important to me and to my physical well-being.

he is a very important member of my treatment team, needless to say.

i’m trying to view sex and kink as part of my wellness plan, quite honestly. when i’m depressed or in pain, i tend to avoid people and prefer to be left alone to recover and heal. but what’s actually more useful to me as a long-term coping skill is reaching out rather than isolating myself. asking my partner to paddle and cane me, to redirect my attention from the pain in my lower back to the stripes he’s putting on my ass, is so effective for me when i remember to ask for it or when i’m lucky enough that Daddy notices and initiates.

just as i view cannabis as medicine, similarly i view impact play (and bdsm more broadly) as medicine for my body and spirit. there’s not a painkiller as effective as my Daddy’s hand lovingly squeezing my flaring arm. ūüėČ

the power of subspace, part II: sex on substances

the power of subspace, part II: sex on substances

I stand in the kitchen, taking my coat off after my arrival home from work. Daddy approaches smiling and carefully wraps his long thin fingers around my throat. I let out a big sigh and my shoulders drop as i relax into his hold.

he gently tongues my ear and whispers, “welcome home, kitten.” i melt a second time.

i’m drifting into subspace, a little wobbly on my feet. i kneel and Daddy offers me a carefully rolled joint.

i’m ready to get lost… twice over.


after i published “the power of subspace, part I,” a good friend suggested i might run into some folx who would take issue with the use of substances during kinky play. their experience has been that more formally organized kink groups adhere to RACK and/or SSC principles and ban the use of substances at parties and events. they don’t generally advocate the use of drugs while taking part in kink anywhere; there are definite consent and safety concerns to be had.

up front: i’ve never been involved in any local kink group, nor have i gone to a munch or a con. i’ve only played publicly once and i was completely sober. i don’t have any experience with dungeons or somewhere with lots of people playing at once. historically, all of my play has occurred in private homes with one or two partners¬†i knew and trusted. or if i played with more, it was mostly private, non-sexual, and sober.

so basically, i’ve never had to do on-the-spot negotiations in this setting. i can completely understand why banning the use of drugs is common practice. even though at this point, i’m a seasoned toker, i would probably be reluctant to participate in public play while high.

to some, it might seem redundant. i mean, isn’t the lure of delicious subspace enough?

yes and no.

stoned subspace

i enjoy the feeling of getting stoned and being put into subspace. it’s not a necessity or a fetish; i can get high or go into subspace independently. but they are really, really nice together. i often find that i can truly let go when i’m stoned. it can be difficult for me to physically relax without a LOT of foreplay and even then, i tend to get trapped in my head, thinking about unrelated things or worried about my performance.

but even if i’m relaxed, i still feel i have control over my body and the ability to give enthusiastic consent. as drugs go, alcohol is the one that makes me less likely to think something through and more likely to take risks that aren’t particularly healthy. weed makes me agreeable and submissive, but i’m still aware enough to know what’s happening and to be able to spot when i don’t feel emotionally safe.

that said, it’s not the case for everyone. i’d never compel someone to use a substance to have sex or engage in D/s play. i’d never shame people who prefer to have sober sex. everyone is different and that is perfectly good.

i just happen to like them together. they feel like part of my own burgeoning spirituality and an integral part of my sexual and romantic relationship with my partner.

it’s a matter of trust

i couldn’t do this with a stranger. i couldn’t be this vulnerable and in two altered states with just anyone. i view marijuana as part of my own spiritual practice, although i have yet to fully articulate what it means to me. (i’m going to start privately journaling about this soon. i think it’s useful. i recommend cannabis feminist¬†and merry jane¬†if you’re on a similar search.)

i see d/s as part of it as well. it’s something i love to share with my daddy and it tends to make our connection even stronger, whether we’re simply sitting around, laughing at some silly thing on youtube or he’s spanking me and making me beg for it. we both become less inhibited by our fears of abandonment; we can let our guards down.

i implicitly trust my partner. and that’s a big part of why pot and play are so hot!

hard limit

all of this said, i can’t see myself doing harder drugs for any purpose, but especially during sex. i’m good with this particular one!

here are some other cool links of interest on the topic:

17 tips for having sex stoned (bustle)

how do cannabis and and seduction work together? (leafly)

talking sex work & cannabis with mistress matisse (medium)

dexx interviews ashley manta, cannasexual

 


daddy takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom, where he puts me on my knees.

i look up at him and¬†coo, “you make me so high.”