a little about me:
i’m an aries. i’m a natural leader. and i don’t like to admit it, but i operate from my ego more than i would like. i’m not much of a joiner. in groups, i often stand out, for better or worse.
i am also a secret introvert. i am becoming more so the older i get. i find people to be wonderful but tiring. groups of people are exhausting for me and i’ve found in the last year or two that i prefer the comfort of home, settled in with my Daddy. maybe sometime i’ll kick-start my social life again, but for now, this is good…
i’m someone with very strong emotional and sexual energy. i am an empath, or what you’d call a (more diagnostic-sounding) “highly sensitive person.” (just writing those three words raises my hackles, proving the point.) i enjoy sensual experiences – drinking a good red and sharing deep conversation, late nights under the stars, a bar of sweet milk chocolate, the way my lover brushes a strand of my hair from my face and rubs the side of his finger against my warm cheek, the scent of lilacs on a rainy spring day. sometimes i can overdo it or be overstimulated. i have to watch my energy levels. i love my saturated world, but i have to manage it (when and if i can) in order to be healthy and happy.
because i’m an empath and mostly enjoy everything cranked up to 11, i tend to have really intense relationships with people, whether plutonic or romantic or sexual – or, really, any combination of the three. they tend to burn bright very quickly and then burn out just as fast. and i’ve come to terms with that. i try to have a zen approach to relationships, i’m not much of a forever type of girl, and i see the entrances and departures of friends as the natural order of things. i’ve had at least two groups of friends where all those overlapping connections turned romantic and/or sexual, and seemingly when i entered the group.
now i don’t want you to think i consider myself the end-all, be-all or the Ultimate Unicorn here, dear reader. i don’t think i’m the only one who has ever perceived themselves to be the fulcrum point of sexual energy in a group. (side note: i can’t seem to find much about this online, so if anyone knows of this as a phenomenon, i’d love to hear about that in the comments!) it’s always possible i just walked in to a dynamic that was already there and just needed a nudge and there i was. but it does seem more than a coincidence.
i’ve had threesomes or group sex with people in both of these groups. i’ve had romantic relationships and crushes. i’ve been seething with jealousy. i’ve been kind and i’ve been selfish. i’ve watched others hook up and then fall out. i’ve lusted after other women and watched us become frenemies. i’ve desired love and affection and camaraderie with all involved. i am still friends with some of those people, thankfully, but have carried some amount of guilt about their friendships and relationships that seemed to fall apart after i came on the scene. was i too much? did i somehow divide the group because i wanted to fuck everyone involved? i don’t think this now, but at the time, when things really fell apart with my friends, i wondered if i was just a slut who had no consideration for other people. i wondered, is the flip side of this all this passion some sort of destructive power? it has troubled me in the past. and on a meta-level, it makes me feel like an absolute jackass to even admit that i think any of it centered around me.
there’s obviously some internalized misogyny at work here, too. it’s easy to slut-shame myself. but i refuse to do that nowadays. the best way i’ve found to reframe it is that even though i’m not currently poly or ethically non-monogamous or single, i can use this same power? energy? to awaken others and point them to their inherent worth and beauty, to suggest that our lives can be (at least partially) spent seeking the small luxuries that make it worth living. i’m not talking about buying expensive cars or eating at trendy, expensive restaurants. i mean noticing and appreciating the sensory delights that make us feel truly alive and connected to ourselves, to each other, to nature. i’m working hard these days on enjoying these little things in lieu of focusing on the negative. it makes my world warmer, brighter, louder, and more vibrant. it keeps me connected to my humanity and yours. if that’s the kind of friend or lover i can be, then this life, with all its challenges, has rich meaning and has been worth this pain. it’s possible to redirect this energy and to use it for awesome. so that’s what i’ll do.